Module 37
Stress Response Recognition Guide
How to identify fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses in children by age
Understanding Your Child's Stress Response
When children feel threatened — physically or emotionally — their autonomic nervous system activates a survival response. These responses are automatic and involuntary; children don't choose them. Recognizing which response your child defaults to allows you to provide the right type of support instead of accidentally escalating the situation.
The Four Stress Responses
| Response | Nervous System State | Purpose | Core Feeling |
|---|---|---|---|
| Fight | Sympathetic activation (mobilized) | Eliminate the threat through confrontation | Anger, frustration, outrage |
| Flight | Sympathetic activation (mobilized) | Escape the threat through withdrawal | Fear, anxiety, panic |
| Freeze | Dorsal vagal shutdown (immobilized) | Become invisible / wait for threat to pass | Numbness, overwhelm, dissociation |
| Fawn | Mixed state (social engagement + survival) | Appease the threat through compliance | Fear masked as agreeableness, loss of self |
Fight Response Signs by Age
| Age Group | What It Looks Like | Often Mislabeled As |
|---|---|---|
| Toddlers (1-3) | Hitting, biting, kicking, throwing objects, screaming, head-banging, arching back, rigid body | Bad behavior, defiance, aggression |
| Preschool (3-5) | Yelling "NO!", pushing/shoving, destroying toys, oppositional refusal, threatening ("I hate you!"), clenched fists/jaw | Oppositional behavior, anger problem, being a bully |
| School-age (6-11) | Arguing back, slamming doors, verbal aggression, physical fights, destroying property, blaming others, defiant posture | Conduct disorder, disrespect, attitude problem |
| Teens (12-18) | Explosive anger, verbal attacks, physical intimidation, punching walls, intense arguing, risk-taking behavior, rage that seems disproportionate | Anger management issues, disrespect, rebelliousness |
Support Strategy
What helps in fight mode: Don't match their intensity. Lower your voice. Give physical space. Reduce demands. Say less, not more. "I can see you're really upset. I'm right here when you're ready."
Flight Response Signs by Age
| Age Group | What It Looks Like | Often Mislabeled As |
|---|---|---|
| Toddlers (1-3) | Running away, hiding behind parent, covering eyes/ears, trying to leave the room, clinging desperately | Shyness, being clingy, separation anxiety (may actually be appropriate fear response) |
| Preschool (3-5) | Hiding under tables/beds, running to a different room, refusing to enter situations, excessive movement/restlessness, avoidance of certain people/places | ADHD hyperactivity, being difficult, shyness |
| School-age (6-11) | Avoiding school, stomach aches before stressful events, excessive busyness, changing the subject, nervous laughter, fidgeting, always wanting to leave | School refusal, laziness, ADHD, being antisocial |
| Teens (12-18) | Social withdrawal, avoiding eye contact, staying in their room, excessive phone/gaming use as escape, substance use, overachievement (running from failure), workaholic patterns | Being a loner, addiction, laziness, antisocial behavior |
Support Strategy
What helps in flight mode: Don't chase or corner. Create safe spaces. Reduce the perceived threat. Offer an acceptable exit strategy. After they feel safe: "I noticed it was hard to stay. What felt scary about that?"
Freeze Response Signs by Age
| Age Group | What It Looks Like | Often Mislabeled As |
|---|---|---|
| Toddlers (1-3) | Going limp, blank stare, sudden silence in a usually vocal child, falling asleep in stressful situations, not crying when hurt | Being easy/low-maintenance, being tired, not caring |
| Preschool (3-5) | Deer-in-headlights look, unable to answer questions, going mute, appearing "zoned out", not responding to their name, wetting themselves | Not listening, ignoring you, daydreaming, defiance |
| School-age (6-11) | Spacing out in class, inability to think or speak when called on, mind going blank on tests, appearing confused, emotional numbness, saying "I don't know" to everything | Not paying attention, being lazy, not caring about school, low intelligence |
| Teens (12-18) | Dissociation (feeling unreal or detached), emotional flatness, difficulty making decisions, chronic procrastination, depersonalization, appearing numb or indifferent | Not caring, apathy, laziness, depression (can co-occur) |
Support Strategy
What helps in freeze mode: Speak softly and slowly. Offer physical grounding ("Can you feel your feet on the floor?"). Reduce demands to near zero. Gentle movement helps reactivate the system. Don't say "snap out of it."
Fawn Response Signs by Age
The fawn response is the least recognized but increasingly documented. It develops when fight, flight, and freeze haven't kept the child safe — so they learn to appease. It's most common in children who've experienced relational trauma.
| Age Group | What It Looks Like | Often Mislabeled As |
|---|---|---|
| Toddlers (1-3) | Excessive smiling at strangers, not protesting when things are taken, looking to adults' faces before reacting, precocious caretaking of parent | Being easygoing, well-behaved, mature for their age |
| Preschool (3-5) | Excessive apologizing, giving away toys to avoid conflict, agreeing with everything, monitoring adults' moods, trying to make angry people happy | Being sweet, being a peacemaker, good manners |
| School-age (6-11) | People-pleasing, inability to say no, changing personality based on who they're with, taking blame they don't deserve, putting others' needs first compulsively, over-helpful | Being kind, a great kid, mature, a good friend |
| Teens (12-18) | Chronic people-pleasing, no sense of personal boundaries, difficulty identifying own wants/needs, codependent relationships, performing perfectionism, saying yes to everything | Being selfless, kind, empathetic, a good student/friend |
Support Strategy
What helps in fawn mode: Actively ask their opinion and make it safe to disagree. Praise boundary-setting ("I'm glad you told me you didn't want that"). Normalize saying no. Model your own boundaries. Never reward compliance that comes at their expense.
General Physical Signs of Stress in Children
Body Signs
- ✓Stomach aches, headaches (no medical cause)
- ✓Changes in appetite (eating much more or less)
- ✓Sleep disruption (difficulty falling asleep, nightmares, night waking)
- ✓Bedwetting after being dry
- ✓Frequent illness (chronic stress suppresses immune function)
- ✓Muscle tension, teeth grinding
- ✓Changes in energy (wired or exhausted)
Behavioral Signs
- ✗Regression to younger behavior (thumb-sucking, baby talk)
- ✗New fears or increased clinginess
- ✗Difficulty concentrating
- ✗Irritability out of proportion to the trigger
- ✗Withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities
- ✗Increased need for control (rituals, rigidity)
- ✗Repetitive play themes involving the stressor
Quick-Reference: Response & Support
| Response | Child's Need | Parent Action | Do NOT |
|---|---|---|---|
| Fight | Discharge energy safely | Give space, stay calm, lower your volume | Match their intensity, yell back, physically restrain (unless safety requires it) |
| Flight | Feel safe enough to stay | Reduce threat, offer safe spaces, give time | Chase, corner, block exits, force them to "face it" in the moment |
| Freeze | Gentle reactivation | Soft voice, grounding, reduce demands | Yell to snap out of it, shake them, increase pressure |
| Fawn | Permission to have their own needs | Ask their opinion, celebrate boundaries | Praise compliance, reward self-sacrifice, ignore their needs |
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